I wish……

so today is the day between mother’s day and the anniversary of my mother’s death. Its so crazy how close the 2 fall this year, so I wanted to write to share my feelings with you guys. I have made so much of my personal life public and some may feel its for attention, and that’s fine with me, but I honestly want to inform people of their decisions and how it can affect others for the rest of their lives. Sometimes we don’t think about what we do and how it can cause ripples in time for so many people and that’s some awareness I would love to bring to people’s attention…..

Thirteen years later I am a woman. I can say that now because I feel as if I have arrived in a very good place. I have spoken about her, how wonderful she was, what an impact she had on me and how all of the wonderful traits I have are because of her. She taught me how to cook, clean, sew, shop, to run and how to dance. She was amazing in so many ways. I watched her work 2 jobs, go to school, raise 3 kids and manage a household all at the same time and never complained about it. I can’t begin to explain her and how she did it all…

recently i did an interview with NBC that was a lot of fun and touching all at the same time. Every interview I have done recently always wants to know about my personal life as well as the success i’ve had on the track so it’s always interesting to see how the media comes at me. In this one particular interview I was asked “if you had 5 minutes with your mom what would you say to her?” and that question has stuck with me for weeks….. So it inspired me to write this….

I wish….

I wish i could tell her how much i love her
I wish i could tell her i’m so sorry for leaving her in that house… with that man….
I wish i could tell her i’m not mad at her nor do i harbor any negative feelings towards her at all….
I wish she could rub my hair and I could talk to her about this man I love and get her motherly advice….
I wish she could have been at my graduations because education was so important to her….
I wish she could have seen how beautiful she was and how strong she was and what she had to offer….
I wish she could have seen my brother, my sister, and my nephew grow up and what they have become and are becoming.
I wish she were here… I wish that everyday…. I miss her everyday, every moment….

I wish….
I wish so much… I could go on for hours about the things I wish with her and what could have been different. But…if things would have turned out different, I wonder would I be here. I wonder would I be in this position to inspire so many people and to try to help so many women and young girls fight against the rage… the rage that may be inside them and the rage that comes from someone else.

In my mother’s car accident, it was a 2 car accident. There was the car she was a passenger in where she and Richard Gomes both died, and then the car he hit head on…. there were two people in that car as well…. one died… his name was tommy, and then the passenger lived. Recently I got an email from the parents of Tommy and it was like I flew back 13 years and I was that young confused girl all over again. They took time to recount the accident and fill in so many holes and so many questions i had about that night. They had the passengers knowledge of what he saw in the accident and none of us really knew what went down. It was such a wonderful email to get because they celebrated Tommy just as i celebrate Jeanette (that’s my mother’s name… lovely isn’t it?!) They told me how they took to running to deal with his death just as I had immersed myself in track. They shared feelings that I thought I was alone in… so it was a pleasure to know that I had this bond with this family for 13 years without even knowing them. When I go back to Richmond after the season this year… I am planning on meeting them!

I have chosen to open myself to the world. I have made the conscious choice to share my heart, soul, mind and life with everyone. Like it or don’t… that’s completely up to you. I have never claimed to be some saint or some angel… but what i do proclaim is freedom. Freedom from the hurts and wrongs that were done to myself, mother, siblings, and family. I do NOT blame some of my poor choices on what happened to me… I am not my past… but I have learned not to judge anyone if you haven’t walked a mile in their shoes…. and most times… people don’t need judgement, they need help, love, open arms, and guidance, and if I can be that for someone , I’m ok with it.

So in writing all of this… if i had just five minutes with my mom, what would I say?? The answer would be… probably nothing. I would just want to be there with her… feel her spirit. enjoy her presence, her scent, and maybe… just maybe hear her tell me she loved me or just to hear her say my name. As i get older and I close my eyes… her voice becomes more and more faint to me. I can barely remember what she sounds like…. so yes… that it…. my five minutes with her…

Thanks for reading…..

22 thoughts on “I wish……

  1. Awwww this is so touching! I know your mom is smiling down looking at you and she is very proud of you. Continue to be strong Kellz and continue to make your mom proud! #London2012.. Love you

  2. Keep doing your thing Kells! I’m positive that your mother has been watching over you all this time and will continue with you on your path. 2012 is going to be a great year. Train hard, keep focused, and keep God.

    (Tunnel Vision)

  3. She is definitely with you everyday. This was very Well written and heartfelt. You should really blog more.

  4. Wow Kellie. When I started this, I didn’t expect to encounter such emotions to rise up inside of me. You did indeed bring on a midday mist in my eyes and uncovered some memories of my own. A very touching expression of your emotions and very well written.

    There are so many young athletes that participated in our summer track program. There are also so many directions that this life have taken these athletes in. Some good, soem great and some not so good. I continue to pray for all of our children and young folks that they will be Blessed and make the Best choices. You are forever in my thoughts and prayers. Love you much and much Peace to you.

  5. that was beautiful kellie.

    and so much of what we go thru i believe is so that we have the strength and wisdom to help others going thru similar things…so kudos to you.

  6. We have had to thank you in the past for being and inspiration and role model for the world family’s youth. Now thank you for opening your heart to all of us, Kellie.

  7. Thank you for letting God use you. Our gifts are not for our self but for others. You are doing a great at sharing your gifts…I’m sure your mom is so proud.

  8. Ms. Kellie this was really well written and honestly i dont know how you can find the strength to write this stuff. You are truly an inspiration and you are a warrior. Your so small but you have such a big heart and your drive and determination are not measurable. Im pleasured to know you and i cherish all the time we have together knowing one another… Now lets go get this GOLD!!!!

  9. You are amazing. I read your article in runners world. I will be rooting for you to make the olympic team

  10. I read your story in runnersworld magazine and have followed you since – I relate to some and admire some – I am rooting for you in the olympics and your beautiful mom is too – your writing is lovely and so are you.

  11. WOW! so proud of you – it was always a pleasure to have you around – you have grown into such a wonderful young lady. Wishing you all the best and sending love from Chesterfield.

  12. Dear Kellie,
    We always knew that you would make it to the Olympics! We are so proud of you! Do you remember babysitting Cameron and I when you were a student at Hampton University?
    Congratulations on your success!
    We will be watching,
    Sydney Bowden

  13. So inspiring! These words were deeply heart felt. Pain do not have a class or social status. It affects us all, yet, the effects are different. I was more so moved by your judgment statement. I wanted to make it known, in giving judgment, that is a part of love (1Cor. 13:6). Sometimes, tough love (judgment), is showing love. I am not taking anything away of what you’ve said–I just needed to elaborate on the truth!

    But overall, keep up the faith and your good works. If running is your comfort zone, run till your legs fall off. lol Run over one victories step after another!

  14. Very touching and emotional text for me (sorry for my bad English). My mother is very ill now so I can identify with some of your feelings and words.
    I wish you all the best in your life and now in the Olympics. It seems to me that you are a very nice person with a great heart. Good Luck to you Kellie!!!

  15. Reading YOUR story with a tear in the corner of my eye helps me appreciate how lucky I am to have a great mum and never take it for granted – Thankyou

  16. “and most times… people don’t need judgement, they need help, love, open arms, and guidance, and if I can be that for someone , I’m ok with it.”

    well said – good luck the rest of your time in London! blessings & peace ~ g

  17. You are an inspiration Kellie! Your mom is proud of you as she’s looking down over you! you are a beautiful young lady with a big heart so don’t stop being yourself, stay close to God always. Congrats on your olympic medal!!!!

  18. Kellie,

    Wow! Congratulations! We just finished watching you win an Olympic metal in the 100 meter hurdles. We are so proud of you and your accomplishments. I’m sure you’ve made your Mom so proud. Yes, God is good! Your such great example of how to come from adversity and turn it into a triumph. Sharon & I would love to meet you after your season.

  19. Yes you’re making details of your life public, but you’re not doing it “for attention”. You’re helping others and you are providing instructive examples of how to overcome negative and hurtful events and how to achieve terrific results. You’re a positive role model. It’s impossible to be such a terrific role model and remain silent about what helped you become an Olympic medalist.

  20. I was so touched by you acknowledging God first in your life. Because He lives in you, He will give you the desires of your heart. Your love for your Mom will be ever present because God knows what you need & desire. I don’t know if you are a mother now, but one day when you do become a mother, God will allow you to experience the love you feel for your through your Mothering. And you will know it’s Him that allows you to have this “reunited mother-child” experience. God Bless You Kellie. Hopefully I will get to meet you here in Beautiful Orlando.

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