so today is the day between mother’s day and the anniversary of my mother’s death. Its so crazy how close the 2 fall this year, so I wanted to write to share my feelings with you guys. I have made so much of my personal life public and some may feel its for attention, and that’s fine with me, but I honestly want to inform people of their decisions and how it can affect others for the rest of their lives. Sometimes we don’t think about what we do and how it can cause ripples in time for so many people and that’s some awareness I would love to bring to people’s attention…..
Thirteen years later I am a woman. I can say that now because I feel as if I have arrived in a very good place. I have spoken about her, how wonderful she was, what an impact she had on me and how all of the wonderful traits I have are because of her. She taught me how to cook, clean, sew, shop, to run and how to dance. She was amazing in so many ways. I watched her work 2 jobs, go to school, raise 3 kids and manage a household all at the same time and never complained about it. I can’t begin to explain her and how she did it all…
recently i did an interview with NBC that was a lot of fun and touching all at the same time. Every interview I have done recently always wants to know about my personal life as well as the success i’ve had on the track so it’s always interesting to see how the media comes at me. In this one particular interview I was asked “if you had 5 minutes with your mom what would you say to her?” and that question has stuck with me for weeks….. So it inspired me to write this….
I wish i could tell her how much i love her
I wish i could tell her i’m so sorry for leaving her in that house… with that man….
I wish i could tell her i’m not mad at her nor do i harbor any negative feelings towards her at all….
I wish she could rub my hair and I could talk to her about this man I love and get her motherly advice….
I wish she could have been at my graduations because education was so important to her….
I wish she could have seen how beautiful she was and how strong she was and what she had to offer….
I wish she could have seen my brother, my sister, and my nephew grow up and what they have become and are becoming.
I wish she were here… I wish that everyday…. I miss her everyday, every moment….
I wish so much… I could go on for hours about the things I wish with her and what could have been different. But…if things would have turned out different, I wonder would I be here. I wonder would I be in this position to inspire so many people and to try to help so many women and young girls fight against the rage… the rage that may be inside them and the rage that comes from someone else.
In my mother’s car accident, it was a 2 car accident. There was the car she was a passenger in where she and Richard Gomes both died, and then the car he hit head on…. there were two people in that car as well…. one died… his name was tommy, and then the passenger lived. Recently I got an email from the parents of Tommy and it was like I flew back 13 years and I was that young confused girl all over again. They took time to recount the accident and fill in so many holes and so many questions i had about that night. They had the passengers knowledge of what he saw in the accident and none of us really knew what went down. It was such a wonderful email to get because they celebrated Tommy just as i celebrate Jeanette (that’s my mother’s name… lovely isn’t it?!) They told me how they took to running to deal with his death just as I had immersed myself in track. They shared feelings that I thought I was alone in… so it was a pleasure to know that I had this bond with this family for 13 years without even knowing them. When I go back to Richmond after the season this year… I am planning on meeting them!
I have chosen to open myself to the world. I have made the conscious choice to share my heart, soul, mind and life with everyone. Like it or don’t… that’s completely up to you. I have never claimed to be some saint or some angel… but what i do proclaim is freedom. Freedom from the hurts and wrongs that were done to myself, mother, siblings, and family. I do NOT blame some of my poor choices on what happened to me… I am not my past… but I have learned not to judge anyone if you haven’t walked a mile in their shoes…. and most times… people don’t need judgement, they need help, love, open arms, and guidance, and if I can be that for someone , I’m ok with it.
So in writing all of this… if i had just five minutes with my mom, what would I say?? The answer would be… probably nothing. I would just want to be there with her… feel her spirit. enjoy her presence, her scent, and maybe… just maybe hear her tell me she loved me or just to hear her say my name. As i get older and I close my eyes… her voice becomes more and more faint to me. I can barely remember what she sounds like…. so yes… that it…. my five minutes with her…
Thanks for reading…..